From Dusk Till Porn

So I got a request the other day to review "From Dusk Till Porn." And since it is October, and I do love vampires, Halloween and this whole happy month of leaves and pumpkins and dead things, I decided to go ahead and give it a gander.

Oh gods, bad vampire fangs. It's a personal vampy peeve of mine but if the fangs look like someone shoved a pair of white tooth picks up their gums them I'm instantly turned off more than a little. Hmm the plot doesn't seem to hold much similarity to the Quentin Tarantino horror tale, "From Dusk Till Dawn." Which is a good thing on one hand and bad one on the other, it seems that there's some kind of mystery going on but they're not all that interested in laying that out before they skip to the sex and with the accents (usually a major turn on for me but I spent a little too much time trying to determine if they were really bad fake ones, or just really bad acting with real accents, to enjoy it all that much) it was rather hard to understand just what they were talking about at first.

Ok so post first sex scene comes the first bite and after that our, drained, protagonist has an over saturated dream of what looks like twin brunettes. Cue what should be a hot(ish) lesbian scene that ends up being anything but. With everything so washed out I's hard to see the good bits and it's easy to tell the girls aren't really into each other. I think I've gotten to the point where I at the very least want to see people really into the sex if not each other in a scene. Putting on a pretty show for the camera, just isn't as hot - bring on the eye rolling, limbs flailing, extra wet, messy sex!

What about the other sex scenes? I'd really like to see some of the people's faces from time to time. Yes a crotch shot is hot, when used appropriately, but I'm more into the faces and the overall motion in the ocean than I am in the ol' in and out. I mean how many times can you watch the same disembodied cock plunge in and out of the same disembodied pussy before growing bored? This ain't the Tootsie Pop commercial I can tell you there's a definite answer and this film will give it for you.

There is something I'd really like porn studios to stop doing now. Right this instant. Seriously you can't stop doing this fast enough for me and that is: Stop mixing the vocals below the sound of your background music. It makes listening to the movie really difficult as all you hear is music and if the music sucks it's bound to kill the mood. Dead, deader than the vamps in this movie, why? Because now I'm annoyed and I've got a headache and neither of these things make me want to diddle myself or my partner.

I gotta say "From Dust Till Porn" is pretty low on my hot totem pole over all. Terrible acting but I'm relatively used to; terrible casting in a porno is completely inexcusable. I mean come on; they chose that guy as Vlad the Impaler and then let him speak? Really? Ugh, total boner killer. Bad plot I'm used to as well but I really try to avoid cookie cutter sex scenes and bad drum machine music because a pounding headache does not equal sex. In the end I'd rather wank off with a copy of "Twilight" (and if you haven't noticed - I'm not a fan of that franchise at all) than try and maintain a lady boner throughout this film. It's not the worst porn I've ever seen, I didn't crawl away with a deep seated urge to vomit for example, but there's way better out there I'd rather spend my time with.