1 Night in China

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Hot on the heels of 1 Night in Paris, Red Light District has followed up with another, uh, celebrity sexpose.

The AVN-named Best Selling and Renting Movie for 2004, Paris featured celebrity sex kitten and heiress to the Hilton fortune, Paris Hilton, while this sequel takes the back road to the bank.

1 Night in China stars Joanie Laurer and Sean Waltman, who in a former career were known as Chyna Doll and X-Pac as part of the World Wrestling Entertainment’s bevy of beefed-up wrestling superstars.

When Joanie and (gosh, I’m so tempted to say Chachi here!) Sean left their careers and wrestling monikers behind them, anyone would guess it was just a matter of time before they moved on to some form of exploiting their past. WWE’s Vince McMahon, like many savvy promoters and producers, owns many of the names of characters they help build, so new careers and real names have to be created or used to fall back on, it seems.

Chyna was a badass bitch in the ring and looked quite fetching in that female, steroid bodybuilder appeal that strikes a chord with wimpy men, homosexual closet cases and those who make transsexual porno (one of the hottest niches since bisexual porn came and went).

Here, Joanie and Sean travel to China (or at least Sean does), obviously to make the “China” connection and (hopefully) avoid a head-on, body-slam of a lawsuit with McMahon and the WWE. Hell, McMahon is the guy who fought over having to change his organization’s name from the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) when the World Wildlife Fund cried foul.

In the 56 minutes of travelogue, seduction, tease and sex, Sean Waltman’s attempts at improvisation to a video camera at The Great Wall and Tiannamen Square, rank right up there with some of the great yucks fans of wrestling have enjoyed. Remember when X-Pac would stomp the mat moments before some mook’s back would kiss the ring, making for an unintentionally hilarious entertainment experience? This movie leaves that memory on the mat.

Like his short-lived career in front of the wrestling fanatics where he crosses his arms in an X in front of his legs, Waltman should have taken his own advice and kept his pants on, as should Chyna.

When she first enters the frame, ensconced in something “sexy” and looking to tease, it harkens back to those nightmare moments where you’re slightly drunk in a room, waiting to see what it is you really seduced, and out comes someone who makes you wonder, Is it a man, a she-male—and most importantly, what the hell is that bulge between its legs and what are its plans for me?! Yikes!

Well, after a brief session of poorly lit seduction in black and white, a surveillance footage level of video camerawork reveals Joanie and Sean’s sexual exploits.

Problem is, what we can see looks like a faggy bodybuilder with a mullet banging a handsome transsexual. The freak-show, circus-act, car-crash appeal heightens when Joanie pops her clit and it’s not only pierced, but looks like a mini-penis.

After a bit of the ol’ in n’ out, we cut back to Sean talking to the camera in China, stumbling through some obviously improvised lines. We’re oddly glued to the screen to see how bad he’ll get and hoping that we can witness in full-color that mini-penis that speaks inches about steroid abuse in women.

Girls if ya want a big one, juice up, get ready for pimples on your ass, a dick of a clit with a hood like an uncut foreskin and…”Get Ready to Rumble!”

Back in the sex room, Sean switches over to a color camera, forgetting to take the strap off the handle and holding his videocam with all the steadiness of a drunken sailor on a lost weekend. His sexual conquest splayed out, naked before him, with wall-eyed bolt-ons and a mug of a face that is both mannish and moody looking, awaits. Sean goes to work.

Joanie sucks a mean cock, in the way you would assume a guy would, taking a face fucking, manhandling a member and devouring dick till you wonder if it’s ever coming back out of that gaping maw of a kisser.

We watch as Sean dives in for his hot lunch, camera wobbling woozily as he contemplates what will likely be his last meal in a porn movie. Joanie’s loins are riddled with razor burn, bruises, zits and ripped to the max from serious squats. It doesn’t take long for the man in the boat to appear from under Joanie’s clitoral hood. (Now I know why there’s such a thing as gawkers’ block on the freeways.)

As much as I was repulsed seeing an inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis, I was oddly fascinated. I wondered what it really says on her driver’s license and how many years and injections of male hormones could produce a member that impressive, and what that would mean to guys who got shortchanged at birth, looking for a few extra inches.

Sean, attempts entry as the camera strap comes into frame like a hook from a vaudeville act and one is left to wonder what ever made these two think this was their ticket to anything other than ridicule and perhaps bit parts in a remake of Nightmare Alley.

Sean gets going and stays hard while the camera captures such wonderful moments as Joanie’s ripped abs, which are now showing signs of flab, and her Marty Feldman tits, impossible to capture together at close range.

Obviously, Sean didn’t brush up on his (pro-porn shooter) Mike John movies, as he can’t direct the sex, much less shoot it and fuck. Hell, the guy was a wrestler, so you have to forgive him.

Joanie, on the other hand, gets so hot, she turns over and starts power thrusting back on Sean’s member, doggy-style. The insta-porn stars rut like sweaty gay men, pushing to and fro and grunting, as we can’t take our eyes off the acne-riddled ass of Joanie.

Sean makes a thumb pass on Joanie’s butthole and with a deft move of a camera that highlights one her worst bruises on her quad, Sean makes an anal entry we never see. Once inside, Joanie lights up like a tranny with a love for butt sex. She power-pumps Chachi, er, Sean, till he’s worn out and has to have her turn over for some languid linking.

We watch as she takes it missionary, sweat glistening and her pussy looking like a pierced catcher’s mitt with a swollen thumb. More manly sex ensues and one notices that Joanie’s almost more buff than Sean… but I digress.

A jump cut takes us to the money shot, where Sean unloads with all the mastery of an amateur stud, whacking his stiff member till he shoots on her splayed anus from the side. At this point, we could be watching two men have sex. It’s that scary.

Nevertheless, this is a movie that every casually curious porn consumer and porn fan must see. Wrestling fans too will flock to rent and buy—though we all know once they’re 18 they convert to porn fans, so that leaves the rest of the world and, yup, they’ll come a runnin’.

Unlike Hilton in 1 Night in Paris, there’s no glee to be had watching a bad girl heiress look like she’s thinking, “Fuck you daddy!” while she takes a load on camera.

However, Joanie and Sean do have celebrity appeal of a more freakish sort, and will obviously end up on some sort of circuit, probably with a small circus, or maybe even Branson, Missouri, because I hear Joanie likes to sing and play guitar. Sean’s already looking like he could be one of The Gatlin Brothers on a bender, so that pretty much sums it up.

You have to see this movie.

Afterwards, take a Silkwood shower like I did, and don’t pick up the soap. If you drop it, Joanie might get you.

Review from AVN