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It's time we face the truth: there are some really dumb sex positions in porn. Normally, this fact wouldn't bother me or even warrant a discussion really, but considering that porn has been attacked recently by news outlets like The New York Times for shaping our culture's "ideas about pleasure, power, and intimacy," maybe it's time the industry itself addresses the some of the sexual inaccuracies perpetuated by porn – and maybe why these inaccuracies exist in the first place.

If we're to believe the recent criticisms of pornography from these pieces in the Times, people are growing up using internet porn as their standard for sexual interaction – rather than the fantasy it's meant to exist as. No matter how many interviews porn stars do to dispel the notion that porn sex should be considered normal, it falls on deaf ears of so many fans who aspire to be the next Rocco Siffredi in the bedroom. Sure, some people are better built for certain sex acts or positions (just check out the extraordinary feats that only someone with Naughty Alysha's anatomy could accomplish), but if you're going to absurd lengths to try to impress your partner in bed, chances are you're probably trying too hard.

In order to do my part to help normalize NORMAL SEX, I'm pointing out the positions that we should just leave to the professionals... or better yet, leave out of porn entirely! These are either entirely useless or utterly ridiculous sex positions that don't or shouldn't represent real human sexuality.


This is going to be earth-shattering to some of you out there, but just because you're doing advanced positions in the bedroom doesn't automatically make your sex good. Take for example this excellent tweet from beloved industry director Mike Quasar, who doesn't really ever seem to have a problem criticizing the same industry in which he works:

@MikeQuasar on Twitter

Now, I totally understand the concept of "what works for some doesn't work for all," but human anatomy is relatively similar to the extent that we can all agree on some things, right? Personally, I'm a supporter of Quasar's #noRCG movement. It looks good for the camera, but that's about as far as the reverse-cowgirl position goes in terms of usefulness. Most – if not all – women out there probably agree with me. If you want to look at our asses, it's called doggy style my dudes!

Also, if you've ever had a woman lean at the wrong angle while riding in reverse-cowgirl, you know the fear of having your dick snapped in half... a feeling Prince Yashua is unfortunately familiar with.

Tit-to-Clit Rubbing

Here's another one that exists solely for the viewer, because if you own a pair of tits and a clitoris, you know that this is really just a weird, inefficient way of trying to get someone off. If you're going to give your partner's breasts or clit some attention, just focus on one at a time! Trust me, no real lesbians are doing this shit in real life. I even asked my coworker, Authentic Lesbian, and she agrees with me on this.

Reganomics Plank-Fucking

Sometimes, positions we see in porn don't really even have a name. This is one of those, from super-amateur studio Beautiful Models Productions' flagship series, Reganomics. Director/performer Regan Senter is as average-Joe as they get, but he's doing all his fellow normie-men quite a disservice with his unique take on missionary position. This girl going by the name Gabrielle Alexis gets the pleasure of Regan relentlessly jackhammering away on top of her... with his legs closed? So like, he looks like he's planking while simultaneously thrusting inside her. I don't know what this is doing for either of them besides acting as a display on how NOT to pleasure a woman.

Reganomics Regan Senter Gabrielle Alexis XXXReganomics Regan Senter Gabrielle Alexis XXX

For what it's worth, "Gabrielle Alexis" is a natural cutie, and if you like amateur, this is as amateur as it gets. Kinda unsurprisingly, she was effectively turned off from adult entertainment after this recording, and we haven't seen her since.

Armpit Fucking

Armpit Confidential Adrianna Nicole

Yup, this is real. Thanks to such refined taste-makers White Ghetto, we have an entire series dedicated to this phenomenon. I'm not kink-shaming; I'm aware that armpit fetishes are a thing. I just feel when considering having actual sex with an armpit, there are some inherent issues to figure out. I know my armpits are way too ticklish to let someone pop my pit-cherry.

Armpit Confidential Adrianna Nicole

Whatever This Is

You can perform porn at any age, as Desert Wind Video proves time and again with each release of amateur pornographer Tony's videos. Tony brings home more ladies in his 80s than you ever did in your 20s. He usually massages or tickles them leading up to the big act... but Tony never puts his penis inside them. Instead, he prefers to grind his dick on their tailbones until he shoots his load all over their back, all while the poor girl just lies there. If you're trying to impress a special lady some night, I wouldn't recommend this position as much of a toe-curler.

Taking Care of my Grandpa Desert Wind VideoTaking Care of my Grandpa Desert Wind Videos

While there are probably countless more examples on HotMovies of stupid, dumb, awful sex positions you shouldn't try, these are a few standouts. The thing is, these op-eds in the Times aren't completely wrong; nobody should be using porn as their primary source of sex education. Obviously, most porn exists as unrealistic fantasy for entertainment value. But without "porn literacy" and proper sex education in schools, we're going to have a lot of people out there who are just goddamn awful at sex.

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Topics:Sex Tips