Face Jam Review
Forgive me horny nation but I can’t kick the sports just yet. I’m still hype about the success of our PornTourn, the NFL draft is only days away being held right here in Philly (hell yes I’ll be there!), and we have playoff basketball! This is literally the best time of year to be me, and as if all of that wasn’t enough, my amazing colleague Judy Hologram let me in on knowledge that I bet few have. Did you know that Space Jam, Bugs Bunny’s 1996 hit that featured basketball star Michael Jordan, is the 3rd highest-grossing sports movie of all time!? Me neither. I can’t believe Blind Side is number 1 and Rocky IV is number 2 but Space Jam? Really? Fuck yeah. Of course, that got our beautiful minds thinking around the office of some way to tie this into anything, and luckily we remembered Face Jam. That’s right, there’s a porn parody, but it’s not what you think. You won’t find any basketball-bouncing aliens or freaky bunnies running around humping each other, but what you will get is the “true story” of Jordan’s one night affair with then-stripper Kylie Ireland.
Scene 1 – Nici Sterling & Kylie Ireland
Kylie Ireland is drop-dead gorgeous and has been for years, but when I hit play I think I was more excited by the blast from the past play menu and overall video production. In 1997, VCA and director Jim Enright were right on target with this flick as the opening credits and music are spot on. Anyway, we open right up to a Midwestern strip club where Kylie is working to pay her way through college. After getting a glimpse of the crowd and what appears to be a group of handsome men walking in, we’re taken backstage where Kylie and Nici Sterling are warming up for their sets. Everybody knows I like things to get off to a fast start, so I was delighted to get some backstage lesbian stripper action 2 minutes into the flick. You just can’t beat that!
Nici tells Kylie how much she misses her (apparently they used to be roommates), and Kylie responds by sensually rubbing her shoulders (now we know what kind of roommates) and kissing her. Before you know it, Nici is licking Kylie’s slightly bushed, perfectly tanned pussy. Kylie gets crazy wet and it’s around this time that I notice the background music. The volume is perfect so as not to distract but more accompany the sex (gotta love the 90s) and touches of recorded moans in the beat is epic. The little things make me happy… way to go VCA! The pair takes turns eating each other out, fondling and fingering, and they even bring out a vibrator before jumping into their final position, the 69. Nici and Kylie leave their heels on the entire time, major safety hazard, but they’re strippers so I dealt with it.
I read a few online reviews of Face Jam before watching it myself, mostly for the backstory and the truth that lies within it, but one thing common across the board was that nobody liked this first scene. The complaint was that a lesbian scene wasn’t the proper way to open a straight porno, plot-oriented or not. I couldn’t disagree more. Having Nici and Kylie in a lesbian scene right off the bat is a nice way to get your feet wet before diving in, plus its short and to the point while giving you a little bit of background story. Brilliant in my opinion.
Scene 2 – Peter North, Krista Maze, & Tatianna Cortez
We’re back at the main stage of the strip club and I have to point out how impressive this club scene looks. The noise level is appropriate, it has the smoky ambiance thing going on (I miss smoking in clubs), and the audience has me convinced they’re regular strip club-goers. There’s no green screen in that approach, and I for one appreciate the effort. Anyway, the stripper currently performing gets done her set and runs backstage to inform the other girls that Bullet Mitchell (not my favorite name) and his basketball team just walked in. In walks their fat greasy manager hinting to the girls that that they should do whatever (wink wink) the players ask. Kylie, being the outspoken woman that she is, challenges what he means by whatever they want, and after getting the answer she decides to stick to her guns. Meanwhile, Krista Maze and Tatianna Cortez decide to be as accommodating as possible.
Back in a private room, Peter North, who makes the most sense as Steve Kerr because he’s only 5”11 (see how seriously I take this) is getting his dick wet first. Krista and Tatianna tease him with a strip tease before that heavenly 90s porno music begins to play and people get totally naked. The ladies go down on each other first before giving Peter a double-tongued blowjob. I must say I’m impressed at how eager this film starts out. First we get girl-girl action immediately followed by a threesome! My excitement momentarily stops there though. The threesome started off well enough, but Peter and Tatianna seemed to have way more chemistry than Peter and Krista. He spends more time fucking her and eventually it feels like Krista is sort of in the way and brushed off to the side. The anal sex was more intense and the facial to top things off was entertaining, but this scene ultimately let me down.
Scene 3 – Stephanie Swift & Tony Tedeschi
Finally we get to see Kylie Ireland shake that sexy thang that got MJ all hot and heavy in the first place! She walks onstage in a sexy cowgirl outfit equipped with a toy pistol and the whole joint goes crazy for her. Even Bullet Mitchell sits back in admiration watching as she graces the stage. Meanwhile, her co-worker Stephanie Swift just nabbed herself a pro ball player and wants to test his stamina. Tony Tedeschi, who I pegged for Toni Kukoc, is more than willing to be her guinea pig, and by the end of the scene I understood why. I didn’t know much about Stephanie Swift before this review (I know… shame), but after watching her perform it’s no wonder she’s in both the AVN and XRCO Halls of Fame. From start to finish she put on a great show, and I never thought I would write these words proudly, but it all started with a dick in her mouth, and I remained turned on throughout!
Watching a woman doing something she wants to do and enjoys doing is an amazing thing, but Stephanie takes it to the next level as she grabs Tony’s dick like it’s the last one she’s ever going to see, stuffs it down her throat, and sucks it like she’s trying to make him cum in 5 seconds or less. My penis is detachable and even I felt that! Talk about talent. Tony returns the favor by eating her out on a desk that I’m assuming belongs to the sleazy manager. They go through the normal positions quickly like you’d imagine sex with a stripper in her boss’ office might go, but watching Stephanie’s ass jiggle while taking it doggystyle was fun. Stephanie alone got me through this scene a few times. This is definitely my favorite so far.
Scene 4 – Stephanie Swift, Morgan Fairlane, & Nicole London
After watching Kylie do her thing onstage, Bullet Mitchell, played by none other than the great Sean Michaels, requests a dinner with the talented woman. He’s intrigued by her because she didn’t give him special attention like a lot of the other girls, but she’s skeptical. Not appearing impressed by his celebrity status, she initially turns him down, until learning he demanded to pay his way at the club instead of taking an offer to have everything on the house (something we all know the real MJ would never do).
Back in the VIP room, Stephanie, Morgan Fairlane, and Nicole London decide they want to put on a show for a few guys on the team. It’s an all-out lesbian threesome as Nicole and Stephanie go in on Morgan’s pussy, bringing her body shivers. Naturally there’s a coochie-eating train where the tongue action is beyond crazy. The guys love it as they sit back and enjoy the show, mouths wide open and boners growing through their pants. The trio turns up the heat by taking the action right to the laps of the fellas and fucking Stephanie with a dildo in the piledriver position. Nicole follows up by hitting Morgan’s sweet spot, causing her to moan out “don’t stop,” and that’s just the beginning….
Scene 5 – Julian St. Jox & Nicole London
While the team is getting freaky in the back, Bullet and Kylie are enjoying nice conversation over dinner. He tells her how he only signs autographs for children because he values his signature, which was kind of cool since that’s a real MJ thing, and he even pulled out a few family photos from the wallet while saying how much he loves and misses his family. I totally believe this part. That sounds like a line, be it fact or fiction, that anybody in his position would use.
Speaking of that team... Julian St. Jox, obviously Scottie Pippen, couldn’t pick his jaw up off the ground or stop starring at Nicole London, and she noticed just like I did. It’s nothing like Stephanie’s, but we get another meaningful blowjob that Julian has been waiting for the whole damn movie. He fucks her like it too, long stroking and causing her to moan until she gets so turned on she starts talking dirty to him. The chemistry was good in this one and the sex was genuine, even if Nicole’s moans and screams weren’t always. I wish this scene lasted longer because I have a feeling these two were way more entertaining than the viewer gets to see.
Scene 6 – Nici Sterling, Kylie Ireland, & Jonathon Morgan
Kylie and MJ, I mean Bullet Mitchell, are having their official dinner, enjoying each other’s company and getting a little touchy feely, and while it’s nice to see the relationship develop a little before they fuck, I think this interaction is forced. We saw them hit it off enough already and Kylie narrates about how nice of a guy he was, so as viewers we can assume there was more there than just the casual interaction. Making this point back in 1997 was way more crucial than it is today, but I stand by my assessment. It is a porno after all.
Dinner ends abruptly (at least it felt that way to me) with Kylie needing to return backstage and prepare for her next set, but what she finds is her old gal pal Nici and Jonathon Morgan, another teammate, back there getting ready to do the nasty. Naturally she joins in, and what we get is the threesome scene 2 should have been. The energy is great, it’s completely balanced, and the scene gives off a playful and fun vibe that really enhanced the experience for me. This is our first time watching Kylie with a guy, and she gives a mean ass blowjob too (to have a dick in 1997 must have been amazing!). Nici licks her clit as she focuses on sucking Jonathon’s balls, and I didn’t think he was going to make it through the scene. I couldn’t tell if it was all acting or not, but his moans and quivers lead me to believe Kylie knows her way around male genitalia.
Nici is the first to jump on, riding Jonathon’s cock with her titties bouncing up and down, while Kylie stays involved by fondling her clit, his balls, and anything else she could get her hands on. Kylie takes it from the back when it’s her turn, making sure to give Nici’s boobs extra attention to keep her ready. The sex is pretty basic as they flip in and out of positions, but the energy is so good they could be sucking each other’s toes and I’d probably be glued to the screen. Even the anal penetration was a delight as Kylie’s moans to let you know she loves every minute of it. Jonathon cums on her tits and I found myself wondering if this actually happened in real life on the night of the MJ dinner. I sure hope so!
Scene 7 – Sean Michaels & Kylie Ireland
Finally the scene we’ve been waiting for! Kylie is a featured dancer, this time as a skimpy baseball player, and to be honest I’m over it. She does just as great a job as she did the first time, but we’ve been in the strip club all day and I just want to see her fuck Bullet. After the dance, they decide on a night cap and end up at his hotel room. During this transition, Kylie is narrating making sure to tell us it was her idea to offer to drive him back and that he was a little skeptical the whole time. Jordan was still married in 1997 so I wonder if that’s true or if it’s for his wife… either way, I’ll stop being messy. They end up sitting on the couch for drinks and we all know where that’s going…
They passionately kiss before Bullet suggests they take off their clothes, and next thing you know they’re giving each other head. Maybe I watched this movie on the perfect day or maybe I just prefer watching female-to-male oral sex from 1997, but damn near every blowjob in this flick is on point! I have to it give it to the guys too because the acting mixed with the raw horniness flowing through their penises must have been hell to control. Again, the sex is basic as far as positions go, but again, the chemistry is right where it needs to be.
First of all, Sean Michaels and Kylie Ireland look great together, even in this low quality that was the only option back then. Second, the fact that this scene is last definitely shows through their interactions. I had to wait an eternity for the main event, and if you’re going to build up to something like that it better be worth my time, and both actors made sure it was. He’s completely into pleasing her and she gives it right back. There’s even a squeaky bed making the hotel appear more real and welcoming. I can also say this is the only scene where I forgot about strippers entirely. I’m sure it had something to do with Kylie narrating and guiding the audience in this direction, but it felt like two people who in that particular moment wanted nothing but each other. It isn’t for eternity, numbers don’t need to be exchanged, bragging rights aren’t on anyone’s mind, and there was no offer of money. Just two adults fucking and I loved it. Then he came in her mouth and I’m back to reality, but still, excellent scene.
Overall, I really liked Face Jam. The title is misleading as hell, the video quality is awful by today’s standards, and I wish the scenes were longer, but all in all it was a damn good movie. Way better than I thought it would be. As far as being true, I have my doubts, especially when it comes to Jordan paying for shit and mentioning his wife, but I’ll take it.
Watch Face Jam on HotMovies here!
Hit me up on twitter @authenticlezz1 and let me know what you think. Until next time horny nation…