5-Step Guide To Gifting Sex Toys
It’s 2018 people, and that means it’s time for some things to change. First on the attack list is gifting sex toys to coworkers. This shit should be obvious, but Matt Lauer and Warren Sapp proved that it either isn’t, or (most likely) those obvious reasons are ignored. In the spirit of getting this country and society on the right track for once in history, I, the Authentic Lesbian, present to you a list of guidelines for gifting sex toys to any and everyone.
1. Never (Ever Ever) At Work
This should go without saying, but it seems like the workplace is where most people are getting into trouble, so hear it goes: it is not okay to gift a sex toy at the workplace; there’s too much that can go wrong! You can offend someone who just happens to be walking by when Carol from accounting unwraps her brand new crimson-tied Scarlet Heart anal plug that she couldn’t be happier about. Just because you and Carol are cool with it, it doesn’t mean Jamie across the cubicle is. Turns out he wanted one too and didn’t get it. You just hurt a feeling, so don’t gift sex toys at work.
2. Bachelor & Bachelorette Parties Are A Go
If I don’t get a double-sided dildo for my bachelorette party, trust and believe you won’t be invited to the next one (divorce is inescapable people). Just make sure my grandma and great-aunt aren’t sitting at the table when you give it to me. I know, they shouldn’t even be there, but my mother would give me an earful if they were left off the Brandi In Vegas invite list. So, remember, sex toys at these parties (and I only mean THESE parties) are okay, just keep an eye out for older relatives who like strippers but despise dildos.
3. Talk To Your Partner
If this gift is for your significant other, talk to them before you make the purchase and maybe take them along for the buy. Whatever you gift is going to be used on or in their body, so it’s important to get everything from color, texture, size, and brand right. Imagine the embarrassment you’ll feel when you both realize the mini nipple-suckers you bought for Breast Health Awareness Month (October) don’t fit!
4. No Joking Around
Sexual freedom and expression, especially for women, is not funny. While sex can be fun and free-spirited, the social aspect is still very oppressive and limited. Say the word "penis" at a bingo hall on Friday afternoon and you’ll see what I’m talking about. Or even better, wrap your brain around the fact that just about everyone watches or has watched some form of pornography at some point, yet certain individuals, organizations, and states want to ban and make it illegal. Sex and sexual expression are still hush-hush, and the shit ain’t funny.
5. If In Doubt, Don’t Gift Anything
That gif up there was just too awesome to leave out, but in real life, do the opposite. If you’re questioning whether you’re making the right decision when gifting a sex toy, that’s as clear a sign as any that you shouldn’t be gifting a sex toy. If you’re hell-bent on gifting something sex-related, pick up a gift card or certificate from a store you were planning on checking out.