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We've all been here as porn consumers – late into the midnight hour, or early depending on your lifestyle – you're staring at your monitor, horny, alone, probably avoiding a newspaper, and having an anxiety attack. And according to a new study appearing in The Guardian, "Everybody Lies: What the Internet Can Tell Us About Who We Really Are," authored by data analyst Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, this is the moment in our lives when we are at our most honest. The search engines we use act as a digital truth serum. We lie about everything: our desires, our wacky political affiliations, and – not so surprisingly – our prejudices. This is called social desirability bias. These are lies we tell ourselves, our friends, our lovers, spouses, and even anonymous surveys and questionnaires. You want to find someone's truth; start at the pajamas pulled down around our proverbial ankles and move on up to the string of phrases we're typing into a search engine.

Mia Khalifa is the young, fiesty porn icon that at one point nearly broke the internet. There's no shame in admitting to searching for Mia, but what else are we searching for, and why are we lying about it even on anonymous surveys? Shame is for the birds... but Stephens-Davidwitz explores this closely and found some surprising results. He spent four years analyzing anonymous data on Google. One find according to the data is that many women are out there searching for content featuring violence against other women in greater numbers than men, and are reticent to admit what they're searching for. Another eye-opening find from Stephens-Davidwitz's close look at Google searches: penis size. Do women care about penis size? I have lied about my cock more times than I care to recall (not that I have to because it's big and beautiful, just like yours, right guys?), but the answer is: rarely. For every search women make about a partner’s phallus, men make roughly 170 searches on their own. When women do search for info on dick size, it's not if a penis is too small, but too big according to 40% of complaints.

That sweet, matronly liberal grandmother-next-door that brags she's never even had a whiff of an adult film since Deep Throat back in the porno-chic 70s? Well, she's probably searching for barely-legal teen girls getting flogged by their conservative stepfathers. And that libetarian punk rock guy in the no-muscle muscle shirt who claims to love cougars with big tits – he's probably googling the aforementioned liberal grandmother-next-door. The point is, you're not alone. We all have something else in common besides that our bodies are made of 80% water – we're all lying liars.

So why are so many women searching for violent content against other women? It's all those big dicks out there guys – they're causing cramps. We're turning the female population into sadists. Stoney Rubble's solution: a nation-wide gelding!

I'll be typing "penis reduction surgery" into my search engine tonight, and I'm not ashamed to say so. Now excuse me while Stoney Rubble goes to clear his search history.


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