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Follow me, Stoney Rubble, on my slightly clumsy journey to achieving a hands-free orgasm. A GQ article and several other outlets claim it can be done – with practice. I am no Harry Potter or Dr. Strange, but if a porn-loving, shit-kicking schlup like me could accomplish this, then maybe you could too. It’s been said that the main key is “mindfulness.” Let’s go over the techniques.

Well, mindfulness is defined as being a mental state achieved by focusing on one’s awareness in the present moment while calmly acknowledging one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. Obviously, porn will be my stimulus here, but it doesn’t have to be. Whatever it makes you comfortable. Readers, let it be known I am wiseass, snarky, cock-fuck (my Communion name) but my attempt is completely earnest, albeit from a cis/bi male perspective. Let’s go over the basic steps that most of these write-ups agree are important in utilizing your brainpower alone to ejaculate. I'll mostly refer to the steps suggested in the recent GQ article by Giverny Lewis, but other articles across the web are pretty similar (for both men and women, save a few minor things).

Because this is my first attempt I may cheat just a little bit. That’s okay, just look at our Congress and President. Even a few of the articles on the subject say a little cheating is fundamental when experimenting with hands-free masturbation. FULL DISCLOSURE: The underwear I’m wearing while getting into the zone is so goddamn tight, I will surely never have children (two birds, one stone)!

Here are the steps sexologist Giverney Lewis from GQ lays out to acheive a hands-free orgasm:

1. Select your stimulus

It could be simply audio, or audio/visual. My stimulus is porn, with help from some tight underwear. You could use a sound recording to guide you through, but I’m more of a visual person, and the voices in my head would just get in the way. So I’ve picked some good, old-fashioned bisexual cuckold porn. These niches always get my personal engine revved up the most before the belt buckle comes off.

2. Find a private place

Make sure your spot is free from noise, distraction, and existential angst (easier said than done). Now no judgment, but living with your parents might complicate this step. Fortunately for me, I don’t live with my mom, but she lives with ME. So, check!

3. Focus strongly on your breathing

Giverny Lewis recommends concentrating your breathing “into your genitals.” It may sound odd, but it can be done if you have peace, quiet, and some patience. Get that engine REVVED! Inhale, then relax as you exhale, and let the blood flow.

4. Just listen

What? Huh? Speak up! Another step not as easy as it sounds. Listen closely to your stimulus. Then keep your focus on the areas of your body where you feel pleasurable.

5. Go with one thought at a time

This is where mindfulness comes into play. Stay in the moment. Start to tense and relax the muscles in your anus and pelvis.

6. Get rhythmic

Squeeze the muscles in your pelvis and anus to sync up with your breathing. As that oh-so-good tingly feeling builds, be patient. Let it build until, as with a partner, you get closer and closer, until you finally reach orgasm. Hallelujah!

So did it work for me?

My porn of choice for my first try was Kick Ass' newest cuckold title Black Bi Cuckolding #33.

Look, I’m a super fan of bisexual cuckold porn, and it seemed a perfect fit for this experiment because the humiliation aspect is almost more about what you’re hearing as well as what you’re seeing. Remember, getting in tune with sound and your own breathing while you concentrate is fundamental to this. But was particular title the best choice? More on that below.

So now, in the privacy of my bedroom and my stimulus chosen, I let the scene featuring cuckold king Mickey Mod fucking mousey little wife Kara Stone while Jimmy Broadway watched and whined like any good husband would. I tried to listen and tune into Kara Stone’s soft demands to Jimmy Broadway as she rode Mickey Mod’s husband-hating cock. The sex in this scene is good, but Kara lacked some force in her commands, and most of the scene is a tad more quiet and soft than others in the series.

Before starting, I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing and told myself to relax. Off to a bad start, because when I tell myself to relax I tend to PANIC. So instead, I just shut off my mind and stuck to controlled, rhythmic breathing. Don’t command yourself to relax, just relax. I tried to visualize one thought and one thought only. This was difficult because what I wanted to be doing was touching myself, but remember... NO HANDS! I visualized myself as a fly on the wall in Kara and Jimmy’s bedroom. But then I wondered if flies masturbate, get sad, and how their typical day goes. Do flies have deadlines? Geez, this underwear is tight. So already… you can see I was fucking this up.

After about fifteen minutes, I attempted to try and relax again and repeated the steps with the first scene featuring cute little Mia Austin fucking Shane Diesel in front of Marcelo. This time I couldn’t relax at all because my erection felt like it was fifteen pounds and my underwear was cutting off my bloodflow so much more than the first attempt. It felt like I may pass out. And that’s an experiment for another day. I did love seeing Marcelo being coerced into sucking a big dildo at Mia Austin’s request. Shane Diesel’s bare foot also ends up in Marcelo's big dumb mouth – but alas, at this point, I went traditional to relieve the tension.

Black Bi Cuckolding #33 made me cum twice, so you will hear no complaints from me. But this was not the best choice for an attempt at hands-free masturbation. The stimulus you pick is important, but your first attempt at hands-free masturbation may not work, and most articles on the subject will tell you that exactly. But after trying, as frustrating as it felt, it was "different," and still holds a little bit of promise. I do believe this could work if one were WILLING to put in the practice. Next time, I may have to choose some better stimuli that are more rooted in rhythmic sound, maybe even go outside my comfort zone a bit.

VERDICT - Failure, but Optimism

Failure has always taught me well (so I'm constantly learning new things), but next time, sound and patience are the real keys to training my body to get this to work. My first attempt also coincided with an election eve. Perhaps not the best night to relax, so timing might have been an issue here as well. Using relaxation and mindful for hands-free masturbation is like everything else in life: if you want to do it, you have to put in the time and practice. My goal is to make it work. My journey’s not over – be sure to continue to tag along.

Has hands-free masturbation worked for you? Let me know on Twitter @DadsOldPorno, I’d love to hear!


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